Pre-Massacre

This is the story of how a baby was abandoned in my front yard.  No, really.

It was a typical evening. I had just gotten home and was in the midst of a catch-up phone session with my dear friend Renee.  I realized suddenly that I was hearing some screaming and laughter from outside.

Now, if you’ve read my previous posts, you will know all about my next door neighbors and their criminally noisy tendencies.  As I looked out my front window, I realized that this time, they were not the problem.

Two tween girls were in the middle of my front flower bed, ripping thru my spring lillies.  Normally, I’m a wuss when it comes to confrontation, but something about two tweens didn’t really strike that much fear into my soul.  Banging on the window, I yelled at them.  They ran off.  That should have been the end of it.  But as they ran, holding handfuls of their flower spoils, they kept looking back, laughing.

Oh, stealing my flowers is funny, is it?  Old crotchety lady mode:  initiated.

Flinging the door open, I ran out into the yard when suddenly I realized that although they had taken the important things (the flowers) they had left behind in my yard something else obviously of lesser value to them:  a baby.  Confined to his stroller, he stared up at me helplessly as his siblings across the street ducked behind a car laughing.

Now, let me explain why I yelled at them.  I’d had a particularly bad week with children.  First, a child had run directly in front of my car for a ball, then had the nerve to yell at ME when I honked my horn.  A few days after that, a woman pulled out in front of me, nearly causing a crash, and her child in the backseat turned around to flip me off as I honked.  So, children and I had been on bad terms that week.

So I yelled at these children who had abandoned their baby brother on my lawn.  I threatened to call the police to pick up the baby who clearly needed new friends.  That sobered them up instantly.  Shamefully they came out from behind the car and wheeled the baby down the street.

As I knelt down to clean up the flower massacre strewn across my yard, I heard them come back.  “Are you mad?” one girl asked.  Knowing that it made me sound 100 years old, I explained that one must ask before taking other people’s flowers.  They apologized sweetly and brought me a flower that had been clearly stolen from another neighbor.

Trying to justify their behavior, they first said that they thought the house was abandoned.  Now I know I slack on yardwork sometimes, but I didn’t think it was THAT bad.  Then, backpedaling, they said they thought an old lady lived there.  OUCH.  Defensively, I said, “Old ladies like flowers too!”

I guess I would know.

{Sarah}

Chrissy, you won’t have a real problem unless you invite these girls into your home.  If someday they knock on your door and ask to borrow pickles, leave them on your porch.  If you let them inside they will ask for a drink.  You will have to offer them kool-aid.  Sadly you only have green.  They will call it gross and destroy all of your self esteem.  

Wait…..that already happened?  You fail at having pre-teen friends.  

Calling the cops at the beginning would have been a good idea.  Or maybe taking the baby, naming him Carl, and raising him to be a crotchy 8 year old would have been perfect revenge.  REVENGE!

About these ads

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s